Innocence

Warmth washes over me

Like the sun kissing sand
The shore embraces waves
As a mother holds her child

Flowers bloom from rain

May is full of fragrance
Trees are filled with songbirds
Sweet songs fill the air

Lay on a bed of green
Watching the earth spin
Clouds float in the sky
White fluff on a canvas of blue

Light fades to black
Stars light the way
Darkness is quiet
Though the night is loud

Crickets play a symphony
Frogs sing bass
Children chase fireflies
Unaware of innocence

The Ferguson Birthday

How do you love and accept a person that someone else chose to be a part of your family? I can tell you how I did it.

As a mother we consider what choices our children will make. Their career? Their mate? Will they have children and how many? We wonder how these decisions will affect their life? After all, what we want is for our children to be healthy and happy.

My eldest son, Zayne, chose a family member for us. Her name is Irish and she was officially added to our family July 18, 2009. After their dating period and four years of marriage I can tell you that I love her more now than I ever have. I made a point to get to know her. We talked, shopped, swam together, had lunch, discussed books and movies and played lots of board games with our family. We made time for each other. And now we have a relationship that is beyond what I imagined possible.


Over time I saw a young woman much more mature than I had thought. She was responsible beyond her age. She was at first a bit shy and introverted but soon, after time spent with this very loud and boisterous family, she was forced to reveal her survival instincts. Zayne chose this wonderful family member. And I must say he did very well.

 Over time we discovered that Irish is a kind hearted woman with an overwhelming knowledge and love for the outdoors. She loves animals with a passion. She has a desire to excel in what she chooses to do. She cares for me like, I feel, a daughter cares for her mother. She fits our family so well (now that she has learned true sarcasm). She knows our routines (like doing dishes as soon as we have eaten). She offers her time (like driving me to doctor’s appointments). We both love Contemporary Christian music. :) She loves her friends and family, no matter what. She’s thrifty, unless she’s buying for those she loves. She's just wonderful. She's a rare person, beautiful on the inside and on the outside. A beautiful jewel. 

She’s exactly what I would have wanted if I had given birth to her on March 14, 1990. That is the birth date that she shares with her parents.

As for me, I send Irish a “Happy Birthday” gift every July 18^th because that’s the day she joined our family as our daughter. Happy "Ferguson" Birthday!! We love you sweetheart!!

The Dust Jacket

When you deal with chronic pain daily you have time to read (if that’s something you enjoy – which I do). Recently I read a mystery novel. The dust jacket is sleek and shiny black. The title is of gold letters that seem to pop right off the cover. It’s written by a well-known author and I have read almost all of his books. But honestly, I’m a bit disappointed in this book. This tells me that just because most of his books are good, the dust-jacket doesn't make it great. It's also a reminder that just because the outside of an item, or the facade of a person, appears radiant and beautiful, the inside can be a total mess.

Have you ever met a person whose “dust-jacket” appeared faded and tattered but later you discovered their content refreshed your body and encouraged your soul? That's happened to me. Soon I looked right through this person's outer appearance and saw nothing but humility and love.
Life teaches us so much and there are so many lessons to learn if only we will open our minds to comprehend. We should look with our heart rather than our eyes.

No matter if my hair shows gray, my weight is not ideal or my clothes are not the latest fashion, I am so thankful that those who love me look beyond my “dust-jacket.” and knows that I am worth their love. Let's all read a "book" today whose dust-jacket looks less than desirable. Perhaps we will be touched, inspired or encouraged by its content.

Dealing with chronic pain, I know that I want people to see what's inside. Not the familiar smile that's forced. Or the pretty dress and painted face. We should give what we want to get. 

XO

Carmen

Dis-auto-no-me-what????.....Dysautonomia

The name sounds kind of funny

Dis-auto-no-me-what?

Most folks have no idea

When I tell them what I've got

The autonomic system

Controls the fight or flight

My brain and nerves misfire

They just do not work right

Simple things should be controled

Blood pressure, breathing, heart rate

Oftentimes I sweat profusely

On medications I gain weight

My stomach's always hurting

Food allergies, nausea, bloating

Poor digestion, crazy taste buds

Little movement, excessive sweating

I rise up in the morning

Restless legs and more poor sleep

Dizziness, low pulse and weakness

I lay in bed and sometimes weep

The day brings on more struggles

Flushing, hives and tender skin

Heat intolerance and fainting

Clamminess and constant pain

Going out to church or work

Seems like an easy task

Anxiety and feeling wired

Chest pains and short of breath

Sensitivity to light and noise

Skin that's tingling, numb and aches

Disabling fatigue, nerve pain

Brain fog, severe headaches

I have so many problems

Health issues times fifteen

You say you had no clue

Just try listening to me

To My Husband & Others

I love him so much

He's always here for me

Without his loving support

I wonder where I'd be

When I wake up groggy

Because of countless meds

He'll make my favorite coffee

That he'll bring to me in bed

Spur of the moment trips

Are something of the past

He's sometimes disappointed

But that never really lasts

Headaches, nausea, cramping

The feeling of broken bones

Ringing ears and itchy eyes

A few reasons I stay home

My back is always hurting

Not just a little bit

My feet and legs are burning

A blaze that nerves have lit

The dizzy spells and sweating

Sore muscles, hurting skin

I can disappear for months

Not one call from my "friends"

They can't see my torment

They judge me needlessly

I just wish they understood

What's it like to live with me

He watches me so closely

I'm so proud to be his wife

This journey would be different

With out him in my life

You Used To Be My Friend

What constitutes a friend

Someone who's always there??

They say call anytime

Because they really care

We used to do a exciting things

Past times were always fun

Then my health began declining

It seems our friendship's done

No matter what you say
Your actions do speak loud
This betrayal hurts my heart
Is this what makes you proud

You don't have time to visit
You never even call
How can you claim to be my friend
You've got a lot of gall

To turn your back on something good
Because you don't have time
You may be someone else's friend
But let me tell you you're not mine

Play By The Rules To Lose

Wake up in the morning

Another restless night

I shuffle to the kitchen

Things just don't seem right

I grab a cup of coffee
And think about my day
Places to go and things to do
But there's no possible way

I used to go to work
Happy to be there
Now I stay at home all day
Does anyone really care

My passions have died
I didn't want them to
But my body isn't able
What else could I do

People say to keep my chin up
Sometimes that just gets old
This comes from those who have no clue
No matter what their told

It may seem mean or spiteful
Everyone thinks they know best
They live a fairly normal life
Separated from the rest

Those of us whose life has changed
Through nothing that we've done
Just because we've played by the rules
That doesn't mean we've won

What You Give Is What You Get......Really??

Living positive can be a lie.

Wake me from this nightmare.

I feel like I'm dying silently.

Does anybody really care.

You can't see the truth.

The reality of my pain.

In your world the sun shines.

Every day I live in rain.

What you see is what you get.

That's really such a lie.

You see my smile and hear me laugh.

Inside I want to die.

So take a look at how you live.

The fun things that you do.

You complain about your job.

You're lucky to be you.

The things I want to do are simple.

Shopping, gardening, church and parks.

Things that used to brighten my day.

Now I stay at home and feel alone in the dark.

If you have an able body.

Don't complain about your chores.

So many people want good health.

And desire so much more.

So don't judge a book by it's cover.

You will likely be deceived.

What you give is what you get.

Is that what I've received?

Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired

You don't understand. You see me out and about. You think I must feel well. You see me parked in a handicap space. You roll your eyes. You scrunch up your face in disgust. You're tempted to speak your mind. Tempted to tell me that I'm scum for using someone's handicap placard.

You get up every morning. Anxious to start your day. No thoughts of medication. No consideration to stabilizing equilibrium. No worry that your body will not regulate your blood pressure or heart rate. Taking a shower is refreshing rather than a chore that wears you out and causes profuse sweating.

I'm not only sick and tired of being sick and tired.....I'm really sick and tired of ignorant judgmental people who have no clue what my life is like and no appreciation for their good health and wonderful life.

K.I. Real